It’s November 7th. We have a new president.
Same as the old president.
Tens of millions of dollars, billions of attack ads and mailers and door knocking volunteers and a winding path from (rock you like a) Herman Cain to “Mittens” concession speech and here we are…pretty much right where we were on November 6.
But that’s no excuse to not make a Story out of it. Why not several wildly conflicting ones!
We’ve prepared you a nice guide to wind your way through a quiet evening of bizarrely conflicting takes on last night’s election! Let’s start with:
C-Span: Congressional Agenda For President Obama’s Second Term
Pour yourself a nice glass of wine, brew up some tea, or crack open a beer, and settle in to a full night of election post-mortems by cleansing the palate with the purest wasabi of crushing boredom. Five people sit in a dimly lit room and discuss congressional agendas now that Obama has been reelected. Expect droning, pontificating, throat clearing, more droning and wake up! its time for:
Fox News: O’Reilly Factor
At 8pm ET, conservatives who want some consolation laced with fighting words, and liberals who want to see how Papa Bear will tend to the wounded faithful should tune in. You will, most likely, learn What’s Wrong With America, if you don’t already know.
After that, wander over to:
CNN: Piers Morgan
You’ve seen the fighting words, now watch the fights! Cory Booker — liberal mayor of Newark and Democratic darling — and Jack Welch — fiercely conservative former CEO of GE — will offer competing analyses about the election on Piers Morgan. If there are two more radically opposite political figures sitting across from one another at this hour, I’d like to know about it.
Then at 10, Watch your local news! Nothing’s more entertaining than watching local newscasters try to play pundit the day after an election. Thrill at the banality! Witness the terror in their eyes! Shudder at the quiet contempt from the meteorologist who is forced to witness it up close!
That ought to tide you over until 10:30 when you click over to:
To watch Key and Peele’s take on the election.
You heard Obama’s victory speech last night. Now find out what he really thinks. Comedy Central’s great sketch comedy duo Key and Peele will introduce you to the President’s anger translator, Luther, and his take on election night.
While you’re there stick around for incisive analysis and razor sharp super-punditry from the Daily Show and Colbert Report at 11 and 11:30.
The only thing that would make it better is a boxing match between Jon Stewart and O’Reilly.
Bon Voyage, and see you in 2016.